6 Steps to Building a Stronger, More Emotionally Mature Relationship

I recently met a couple whose decade-long relationship had deteriorated to what seemed like the point of no return.

Emotional Maturity in a Relationship

Emotional maturity is the ability to appropriately control and express emotions. Few people hit gold standard and get it right on every occasion. Even those who are emotionally skilled are vulnerable to making mistakes when put to the test. Or stressed to the hilt.

But, at the other end of the scale, emotional immaturity —when feelings are given free rein or are unable to be controlled —inevitably leads to trouble, both in relationships and in life.

And in relationships cue double trouble when both partners struggle to manage their feelings.

We all want emotionally mature relationships but we also know they’re somewhat aspirational. Especially when your partner of 10 years has their Most Annoying Behaviour on repeat. And — er — so do you.

But if you’re up for trying, here are the steps to take.

6 Steps to Building a Stronger, More Emotionally Mature Relationship

Know what matters to you.

What are your values? What do you need in your life? What do you like to do? Who do you like to spend time with? People often lose sight of these things (and themselves) in a relationship, particularly if they’ve been with someone for a long time. Knowing the answer to these questions will anchor you. If you don’t know — or you’ve lost your way inside your relationship — spend some time trying to find out.

Find (and use) your voice.

It’s good to pause before you speak. But pause for too long — or struggle to express yourself and your needs — and you run the risk of (1) building up resentment and (2) behaving in passive-aggressive ways. You’ll also frustrate your partner, even a well-meaning, supportive one.

Your partner shouldn’t have to guess at what’s up for you. Nor should they have to constantly make suggestions as to what you should do or how you should live.

Find (and use) your ears.

Communication in relationships is multi-faceted. It’s about being able to convey and receive information in whatever ways work for you both. Words are powerful: the content, the volume, the tone, the delivery. And sometimes, it’s about what you don’t say. But talking isn’t the superpower in relationships. It’s listening to what your partner is saying. Or, even better, hearing them.

Receive and dissect feedback.

Can you make a “suggestion” to each other without blowing the roof off? Extreme defensiveness is a relationship killer because it means you can never engage in productive disagreement, so you can never move forward. It means you are permanently stuck, which chips away at goodwill.

Negative feedback needs to be delivered gently (and not constantly). And, when you are on the receiving end, you need to be able to dissect it for merit and acknowledge where/what you could change.

Agree on specific tweaks.

Wanting your partner to change is a risky business. Too often people want a personality shift in their other half — it’s not going to happen. But a willing partner will be up for tweaking things if they believe it’ll improve the relationship.

So if you want to make a change, agree on one thing you can both work on. Then make a plan to do that, including tasks for each of you, and embed it. Remember, only address one thing at a time or you’re setting yourselves up to fail. You can add to the list later on!

Reflect and review.

We undergo performance reviews at work, why not in relationships? Why not have a think about strengths and vulnerabilities? Emotionally mature couples talk through their issues regularly — they don’t drip-feed them or wait until they hit boiling point. Regular check-ins can help keep the waters smooth. And it’s also a chance to give and receive positive feedback, which (hugely) promotes goodwill.

Let’s be honest, expecting blanket emotional maturity from BOTH parties ALL the time is a tall order.

So, if taking all six steps feels too hard, begin with the #1 key (according to research) to healthy relationships: Show your partner you like them.

That one’s within reach of us all.